Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker: The Messed Up Version
by CheeseGhostAlpaca
Summary: Even though most of you can guess how this will end, I, the Great Captain Toad, have to deal with THAT RIDICULOUS LAPTOP STEALING SO-CALLED NARRATOR THAT'S NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE SINCE THIS ISN'T EVEN A CROSSOVER! (Update: This is a Trollfic. Also I don't feel like updating this story anymore because reason.)
1. The Start of a New Adventure!

**This is my very first story on FanFiction, and I intend to make it very funny. Also, while I like constructive criticism, I don't like trolls, and I know how to report other users. Anyways, let's start the show!**

 **Captain Toad: What show?**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: The Start of a New Adventure!**

Club 64, in Toad Town

"I would like a Citron Surprise, please. And Toadette would like a Neapolitan Shake." I patiently remarked. Toad Town was as busy as ever, and yet peaceful, in a way. I was thirsting for adventure ever since Super Mario Galaxy 2, but you know what? I want a shot at being the main character for once! The bartender's words interrupted my thoughts.

"One Citron Surprise and one Neapolitan Shake coming up. But I must warn you, the Citron Surprise is remarkably sour."

"I think I could handle it. After all, I traveled through many different galaxies in two games!"

"And you spent most of the time crying like a little baby and letting Mario do the dirty work." Toadette "lied". Do NOT notice the quotations, it will make it more obvious.

"How would you know? You didn't even make an appearance in Super Mario Galaxy 2! And the only appearance you made in the original Super Mario Galaxy was a brief cameo in the intro! I was MUCH more vital to those games!"

"Yes, THOSE games, but I had multiple appearances in spin off games, all of them as a playable and/or major character! That's at least 18 more games that you have ever been in!"

"Your orders are ready, sir, madam." the bartender interrupted, ending our argument. "And it seems one of our trainees would like to see you."

"Hi there! Bet ya didn't expect me, huh?" I could NOT believe who the trainee was, but it became more sensible once I thought about how a lot of characters from other series have been popping up in random places in the Mushroom Kingdom lately.

"Why're you staring into space?" our fellow pint-sized, pointy-eared, idiotic person I don't care about pondered. In case if you still didn't figure it out yet, this is Toon Link we're talking about. YES Toon Link, the chibi-ish doppelganger that I'm not jealous of at ALL. Ok, maybe I'm a little jealous. (Why is he so much more popular than me?)

 **It's because my games were out longer than yours, and I'm cuter, funnier, nicer, AND more heroic.**

GET OFF THE COMPUTER, CAT-EYES!

"It's rude to ignore someone who wants to talk to you, 'Captain'." Toadette remarked as I was typing on my laptop. Excuse me for wanting to type down every detail of every single second like a creepy Shy Guy in the bushes.

"But he just…" I started, only earning a couple of glares, "Ugh, OK, fine, what was it that you wanted to tell me?" I mumbled with an irritated expression on my face. THAT'S RIGHT, MAH FACE!

"As I was trying to say," Lier. "there's supposed to be some guy who would like someone to collect Power Stars and Super Gems for him."

"Why can't he do it himself?"

"Apparently he has Ornithophobia."

"WHAT DOES THE FEAR OF BIRDS HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS?!"

"He never told me! But he did recommend bringing a large group to help you."

"OK…"I then took a sip of my drink. "WHEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAA! WHY IS IT SO SOUR?!" I squealed with a puckered face.

 **Wait, Poker Face? I didn't know you liked Lady Gaga.**

'I TOLD YOU TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER!' I somehow successfully typed as we played tug-o-war with my 1,000 COIN COMPUTER!

 **'You didn't tell me, you just typed it.' I typed after winning the game of tug-o-war and editing the part where Captain Toad insulted me so it would be more appropriate for little kids to read.**

"Ha ha! I got my laptop back!" I shouted victoriously. Take that, Toon Link!

"I bet you forgot what he said already, so I'll say it again. There's a guy with a fear of birds who wants you to collect Power Stars and Super Gems and he recommends bringing a group." Toadette said for some weird reason. In response, I questioned her totally random response. I would tell you readers what I actually said, but Toon is kinda right about the whole 'cutting-back-on-the-bad-language-just-for-the-kids' thing.

"What an idiot. A rude, incompetent idiot." Toadette, why you gotta be so rude? It's not like I asked you if you wanna build a snowman.

"Anyways, we should go now. Shokuhin itadaki arigatōgozaimasu!" FYI, I don't speak Japanese, so I can't translate that for you. Where's Toadette going?

"DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND!" I rushed out the door, or at least I TRIED to until that Floppy-Christmas-Tree-Hat-Wearing-Know-It-All grabbed my arm.

"Don't even think about leaving without paying for your drinks! Too many people do that already! Club 64 is closing down soon because of people like you!" Uh-oh, he's making THAT face again. What is he gonna do to me? Am I gonna survive? Is he really going to...

"Here's your check. NOW PAY UP OR ELSE!" OH NO! IT'S JUST AS I EXPECTED! I was so scared, that I literally threw my wallet at him to knock him out, and avoid getting killed after he regains consciousness! I became so proud of myself that I ran to celebrate! Time to go back to my secret base located under Princess Peach's basement!

I am not responsible for three balloons popping, animal abuse, stealing coins, spending those coins on a poison mushroom, feeding it to a scam artist, child abuse, yelling into an elephant's ear, eating all of the cheese samples, having ADHD, being forgetful, stomping on grapes, or cutting drapes along the way. But an angry mob accusing me of doing those things is still chasing me! And even though I do have ADHD and forgetfulness, there's nothing wrong with that, so DEAL WITH IT!

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I SWEAR I DIDN'T DO THOSE THINGS! AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING ADHD OR MEMORY DISORDERS, YOU PREGIDOUS RANDOM PEOPLE!" Yes, this time I'm telling the truth. I didn't do those things and I have no idea why they are blaming me for those things. Seriously, I don't. Oh well, time to get back to my super secret base!

End of Chapter 1

* * *

 **So what did you guys think of what I wrote?**

 **Toon: It was pretty funny, but I don't appreciate you knocking me out...**

 **Toadette: Uh-oh...**

 **You're judging the way I do things, eh? Well, I can take you out of this story as easily as I brought you in. (Evil laugh)**

 **Toon: Uh, never mind. By the way, is the captain still being chased?**

 **Toadette and I: Yes.**


	2. Grouping Up the Toad Brigade

**AAAAAAAND WE BACK!**

 **Toon: OOOOWWW! Could you not yell so loud?! You know Hylians have sensitive ears!**

 **And you know what I told you on the last chapter's author's note!**

 **Toadette: Umm... Guys... Captain Toad is back...**

 **Toon and I: Ugh...**

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Grouping Up the Toad Brigade**

Captain Toad's Super Secret Base That's No Longer Secret

"I'm finally here! Victory is mine!" I did a happy victory dance because I managed to survive a bloodthirsty horde of angry mob people!

"About time, _Captain Toad-face_." Wait, how long were Toadette and Toon waiting for me? And why do they look like they want to kill me?

 **It's because of child abuse, that's why.**

"Would you stop stealing my laptop?! And besides, you're 13, technically a teenager."

" _No_ , I'm 12, technically NOT a teen, so physically knocking me unconscious would still count as child abuse, assuming that's what you're going for." Ugh, I hate it when other people are right.

"But he decided to forgive you because you paid enough coins to save Club 64 AND buy a real security system."

"Then why do you look like you're going to murder me?"

"I'm still upset about the whole you-knocking-me-out thing."

"And I'm still upset about you having the Angry Birds & Mob Clubs from Rougeport High chase Captain T. after waking up!"

"I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY!"

"Before I celebrate on how they were chasing me for mostly fake reasons, where's everyone else?"

"They're in the coat closet because _someone_ told them to go scare you."

"Like I said, it would've been funny."

Then my fellow comrades came out of the closet, well, except for Yellow Toad; He's sleeping, as usual.

"Hey Capn'. Wat are ya doin' 'ere so soon?" This is our Mailtoad. He may be a little weird sometimes, but he's definitely better than _a certain someone…_ You readers probably can guess who it is if you read the first chapter and counted how many times I gave them constructive criticism.

"Never mind about that! That jerk won't give me my Star Bits back despite how hard it was for me to get them!" That was the Banktoad, the Green one. I don't know why other Toads say he's humble, since I caught him talking behind my back that one time. So what if I don't like Super Qwerty Force? You don't get to insult your captain for it you mold stain!

"MOLDY MOLDY MOLDFACE NEEDS TO STOP TALKING!"

"Now was that really necessary, Mr. I-Can't-Find-My-Cellphone-While-Talking-On-It." Of course, Blue Toad thinks he's so smart. But if he is, then why did he think Rosalina was a witch? He doesn't have any proof!

"Of course it was necessary, Mr. I-Can't-Find-My-Glasses-While-Wearing-Them." BAM! Blue Toad was about to respond, but luckily, Yellow Toad is more useful when he's sleeping than when he's awake.

"Blue Toad... adult diapers... bird kidnapped... Mom wet... Watch Shima Shima Tora no Shimajirō... " Sure, it didn't make any sense why he would say that, but it was still helpful.

"Ha! I bet that meant that you still wet your bed every time you have that dream about a young striped tiger pooping in front of his parents!" Ever since he saw that episode, he just couldn't take it anymore.

After a while of giving us a chance to have our little introductions that I planned for the readers and they did not, that chump from Club 64 had to speak up again. I mean, seriously. Isn't he supposed to be a silent protagonist? "Wait a minute... Why would you watch that? It's an anime for little kids who know how to speak Japanese and I know for a fact that it's harder to enjoy an anime if you can't understand what they're saying. I've looked everywhere on YouTube and I couldn't find an official sub or dub at all!" Then he kept being annoying by ranting about useless stuff we don't care about until we threw Toon Link out the window. Wait, he climbing back in here through the window and I finished this sentence a couple minutes later so deal with it.

 **Ha! Got it! As I was saying, the rest of this statement is replaced by the cool Captain Toad for being too long and I'm an idiot.**

After becoming the king of the Universe, I got all of the money, ladies and freedom in this entire dimensional plane and this story is over.

 _Come on, you know that didn't happen. All you did was try to beat up Toon Link again until you realized all you had to do is finish the sentence you were typing when he came through the window and edited the thing he typed so this chapter wouldn't be too long. You then started to make up all sorts of messed up stuff which I, Toadette, had to delete most of to keep this rated T even though this is based of a rated E game._

Why does this keep happening to me? I'm a nice, fun guy! I don't deserve to have anything of mine stolen! "OK, stop doing... whatever you're doing... and just let me say this before something else crazy happens. There's someone that Toon Link met that wants Power Stars and Super Gems, but says he can't go get any because he's afraid of birds. While I don't remember there being any kind of reward, we could just take the stars and gems for me, I mean, us."

"Whatever, just don't try to blackmail us again. Oh, and by the way, it's almost time for the chapter to end." Blue T. had always been pretty smart, but there's no way he could actually know something like that, is there?

"If that's true, then does every Toad want to do that quest I mentioned?" Everyone happily agreed and we started to get ready for the next chapter. Oh, and Toon Link? He said something about suing us if we don't let him come with us, so I'm planning on suing him later for blackmailing us.

 **End of Chapter 2**

* * *

 **How are you guys doing on setting up Chapter 3 for me?**

 **Blue T.: It would be easier if that guy wasn't here.**

 **Banktoad, Mailtoad, Captain, and Toon: Hey!**

 **Blue T.: Relax, I was talking about the Captain who's too busy trying to convince the princess to let him sue our guest.**

 **Captain: I'M ON THE PHONE HERE! Yeah, sorry, what was that.**

 **Toadette: (drops basin on Captain's head) You better stop that before you get us all sued!**

 **Um... OK... Well, see you next time!**


	3. Welcome To Shainigemme!

**Toadette: Hey Cheese! What are you doing?**

 **Simple. I'm listening to Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire OST - Lorekeeper Zinnia's Battle Theme by kiryuins on SoundCloud!**

 **Captain: It sounds more like you're trying to advertise it...**

 **Well, you can't blame me for wanting to share something I like!**

 **Banktoad: Could you start the chapter already? We're almost finished packing...**

 **Fine... Cue scene!**

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Welcome To Shainigemme!**

After a few days of hard work and trying to fund raise some coins so we could go to the Shainigemme Kingdom by suing random minor characters, we're finally ready to punch the road in the face with a plane! In other words, we're flying there. There's just one more thing we need to do before we leave.

Toad Town Sewers

"Are you sure you can do that for me? You don't look like the kind of guy who would have any badges..." I don't really need to tell anyone when I'm talking, do I?

"Of course I do! Mario gave this badge back to me after saving Peach even though he stomped on me to get it in the first place! Ol' Bloops never lies!" I was still pretty concerned due to Ol' Bloops living in a sewer. Only Koopa Troopas and Mousers should do that!

"Do you have the dough?"

"Y-yes." I gave him a bag of cookie dough with poison in it.

"Woo-hoo! Thanks buddy! How did you know I love poison cookies the most?! Well anyways, here's your reward!" Ol' Bloops gave me the Shrink Stomp badge and I held it up with some kind of background music that goes 'Dan-dan-dan-da!'. A message screen appeared in front of me, but unfortunately, your's truly can't read backwards.

"Um... You should go now. My Blooper Nanny doesn't like visitors."

"OK! Bye!"

* * *

Club 64 Basement

"Hey Captain! What are you doing in the basement?" Toon was in for a surprise.

"You'll know soon enough... Oh and by the way, can you get me a blindfold, an empty bottle, and a lid for the bottle with holes?"

"Oh sure!" He got me what I asked for while walking like a princess.

"Could you put on the blindfold real quick to make sure it works? The Toad Brigade needs a good one to play Pin the Tail on Donkey Kong." Toon put on the blindfold and stood there while I put on my badge and stomped on him three times so he would stay shrunken for at least a couple of days. Toon also looked very upset. He was so small that I couldn't really tell what he was saying, but I put him in the bottle and sealed it tight.

"Don't worry, Toon Link, I only put you in here so we could save some coins and not have to deal with you for a while!"

* * *

Mushroom Kingdom Airport

My entire team was really worried about me, but that's the life of an adventurer.

"Captain Toad! Where were you?! The plane's leaving in five minutes! And where's Toon Link?!" Toadette is acting a lot like Navi today.

"Don't worry! I left early this morning to do this!" I showed them my bottle and they were relived even though they should just be relived that I'm here.

"Would the Toad Brigade please board the Shaini Plane 312 RIGHT NOW?! IF YOU DON'T WE'RE LEAVING YOU HERE WITHOUT A REFUND!"

* * *

Shainigemme Kingdom Airport

One extremely boring plane ride later, we arrived to the beautiful Shainigemme Kingdom. It pretty much only has one city, a castle, and random buildings in random places that are all run by ecologists. It basically looks like a very brightly colored Hyrule except it was more advanced and it's from this series.

"Hey, it's been a couple days since you shrunk Toon. You should probably get him out of that bottle before he grows back."

"Fine, have it your way, Blue..." I unfortunately had to let him out. Then he just happened to grow back five seconds later.

"Ah... Fresh air... Thanks for getting me out of there... Now I know how those fairies felt when I bottled them... Now, as punishment, this chapter is over."

Everyone except Toon started freaking out.

 **End of Chapter 2**

* * *

 **Hey! Only I can end chapters! If you do that one more time, I'm reducing your role to narrator!**

 **Toon: Actually, being a narrator sounds pretty good!**

 **Captain: No! I can type! I want to go through more than one chapter without anyone stealing my laptop!**

 **Toad! I'm in charge of this production and I say after a certain point in the story, Toon Link is the narrator!**

 **Toon: Yes!**

 **Captain: No!**

 **Yes! Now bye bye!**


End file.
